Sometimes, I think about what my life would have looked like if I hadn’t been ill. Not very often, but sometimes. I look back over the last seven years or so and I end up feeling seriously confused and alone.
Over my life time, I’ve heard people say things like ‘complaining is easy’, ‘there’s always someone worse off than you’, and I’ve seen that quote ‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’ time and time again.
I’ve heard people talk about Karma and how if you work hard or if you’re a good person, you will succeed and good things will happen to you…or the opposite!
I’ve been told that if I pray hard enough and if my faith is big enough I will be ok, and I will be healed and I will be prosperous.
People have told me that things will work out, that I’ll be ok and that things will change soon.
None of this has happened and none of this has been true in my life.
For seven years.
Where does that leave me? And why? What does it mean? Am I a ‘bitch’? Am I a bad person? Am I doing something wrong? Am I saying the wrong prayer?
I don’t know…
But somehow and for some reason…
I think I’ll keep trying to be and do good anyway.
I’ll keep believing anyway.
I’ll keep doing my best anyway.
Well, I was inspired by this poem by Mother T the other day – it hit me hard and it seemed to perfectly put into words what I haven’t been able to.